Midnight Talks

H and I had a long talk last night. It was like 2:00AM and I knew that he needed to go to sleep b/c he needed to get up and go to work, but I just couldn't stop talking. I told him how I felt about infertility and this whole ordeal. He tried to be consoling but it didn't really work. He kept telling me that even if we couldn't conceive there was always adoption. But I told him that I would never experience pregnancy. You'll never believe what he said. He said that we could get this pregnancy suit that would grow over 9 months. I couldn't believe that he said that. I was appalled and slightly disgusted with him. But at least he knew he was saying the wrong thing because he also said, this probably isn't helping you is it? Then he brought up something that we haven't talked about ever. The chemical pregnancy. I told him that I wanted to be selfish because we wouldn't be first time parents together. He said that he could understand that. Then I asked if he would love this (future) baby as much as his six other kids. He said yes I will, you remember when you tested positive, how happy we were? I started bawling. That was the first time we "talked" about it. I was so happy when I tested positive. I couldn't contain my happiness. I couldn't stop smiling. Then when I went to the doctor and they said it was negative, I think that was one of the saddest times of my life. The first of course was when my grandpa died. But I couldn't even describe the feeling that I felt when it was negative. It was devastating. But I am glad that we talked last night. No matter how much I cried. I have been crocheting a wrap for myself. But when I was working on it at school, people came and asked me if it was a baby blanket. Of course that made me feel like crap. I don't even want to work on it any more. But I hate starting something and not finishing it. So I guess I will finish it and stop complaining. So yeah, I guess that's all I have for now.