Disgusted With Myself

Well, I finally weighed myself today. I am completely disgusted with myself now. I am officially the heaviest I have ever been! That isnt supposed to happen unless your pregnant. Which I am not. Also I am so depressed, that as I am typing this I am stuffing my face with chocolate kisses. Yeah, and I dont even like chocolate! Thats a real problem solver. All of those doctors who tell you to eat right and exercise, can kiss my ass. For the past 4 or 5 months I have been working out at school every week. I have been eating "right" (the best you can on a tight,low income) and guess what? I have gained 15 F***IN pounds. I know to some that might not seem like a whole lot. But I am a very big girl to begin with. But anyway, I have been waking up nauseous for the past, I guess, 6 months. Today it was really bad! I mean really. I woke up when H got ready to go to work and I was just awful sick. I had to ask him to go to the store before he went to work to get a Sprite for me. I got up and took a very hot shower. Drank to sips of soda and went back to sleep. I slept almost until 2:00 in the afternoon. Yesterday H and I went to the mall (after a big huge argument), and I did a little bit of Christmas shopping. I am almost finished and I havent even spent a whole lot of money. I am so proud of myself.

Its getting closer to moving time. I am so excited. And a little sad. I am going to miss my niece like crazy and I am also going to miss my newest friend. We really take more than work. Thank heaven for cell phones and internet.

And again, I still dont think that H understand what exactly I am going through with this whole infertility thing. Yeah I know we dont have insurance and the income to try or even have a baby right now but I wanted it to be like "normal" couples. Ya know, married for about a year then *gasps* Honey, I'm pregnant. Feelings of fear and happiness and joy and ya know. But no that will not happen with me. I wanted an unplanned pregnancy. I mean come on dammit I am married. Its not like I was trying to get pregnant before we got married. He is the ONLY man I have ever been with. But I might be repeating myself, but I still think that because he has kids already, he doesnt fully understand how I feel. I might never be called "mommy" or "mama". I will try everything to have a baby. But it just wont have the same feeling as if it was spontaneous. We have talked about adoption but, believe it or not. I was researching it and there is a freakin income bracket that you have to fall in before they will consider you. We will never reach that. He works as maintenance and I will be a CNA until I get my LVN license. We wont have very much money. But anyway I guess I have done enought bitching for one day. I still havent found a job so unless I do I might be on here more frequently.

Days until move: 47