Past Few Days

Well, not much has happened.....like anything ever does. I have been doing homework. I cant wait until December 14th. The last day of this semester. Then I am finished with college for at least another year. Probably Fall of 2009 I will go back to school. Right now I just want to work. I know that sounds weird but I am just ready for something different. I am also torturing myself by watching A Baby Story on TLC. I always bawl like a baby when I watch this but I cant help it. I did not go shopping on Black Friday. I did not have any money anyway to get any presents. I think that anyone I know will be getting presents from the Dollar Tree. I have to find a job for the short time that we are still here. I am applying everywhere and have been for about a month now. And still nothing. I don't know why no one will hire me. But hopefully someone will. I am worried that we won't have enough money to pay all of the bills before we leave. But hopefully everything works out. I hate bills.

New At This

Well, I am definitely new at this. I have posted a few blogs on Myspace but just little things. I guess I just wanted to see if this helps me. I need a place to rant and rave and bitch and moan. I dont really feel comfortable doing that in front of anyone. Yes occassionally I will get upset and go off but.....I blame it on my hormones. For the most part I tend to keep things inside as most Americans tend to do nowadays. So let me introduce myself. I am 19 years old and I have been married for almost 2 years. I know, ya'll are all thinking, Why the hell did she get married so young for? Well because I wanted to dammit. I love my husband and we have had a special connection from the first moment we met. Now my husband is a bit older than me, a little more than 20 years older. But, if you saw us together you wouldn't thing that our age difference is that much. We are so much in love and we love to show it. I have even had friends ask me if we fight. Well DUH! Of course we fight, argue and all that good stuff. But, unlike a lot of the people we know, we don't like to broadcast our problems to the world. But I guess that is changing because of this blog. I have got to have this place. I have tried a journal and it just doesn't seem to work that well. I need some other people to talk to. People who can empathize and sympathize with me. I basically dont have any friends. I have one friend at work, and that friendship is growing. I have a couple friends back in my hometown, but that is about four states away. Soon though, very soon, I will be moving back home. I can't wait. But a little background on me. I was raised by my wonderful grandparents. I ran away from my problems a few years ago. I found my future husband around the beginning of 2005. He actually ran away with me. We were married in May of 2006. The month that I graduated from high school. I went to the community college and I have been there for about 3 semesters and I need a break. I want to be a nurse, but it is taking so long. I have decided to get my CNA certificate as soon as I have the money. I will work for a year after we move back to TX and then go back to school. Now for the main reason I am writing this blog. I suffer from depression. I am not currently on any medication or seeing a counselor. I have PCOS. I was diagnosed in April of this year. 2007. My husband and I decided almost right after we got married that we wanted to try for kids. For the gross part now. After a month after we got married (we had already been together for 15 month) we stopped using the condoms and said if it happens it happens. Well 3 or 4 months went by and nothin happened and I started to get concerned. I had had the symptoms of PCOS since puberty. So when I asked my doctor, she said "You are too young to start having children. I am not going to give you a physical for pregnancy." Of course I was a little upset, I was 18. I was an adult. I was trying to make a good choice by getting an exam instead of havin an "unplanned teen" pregnancy. But yeah, then I tried to forget about it but for some reason my mind was set on having a baby. We did all the positions, I tracked my BBT and I used the ovulation predictors. Nothin still. One day I was on the internet and I found a website (by sure happenstance) that explained all the symptoms I had been having for eight years was all there. The next time I went to the doctor (it was a charity clinic) I asked him about it and he said oh yeah you have it.....you didnt know that? Well.....needless to say I was floored. No I didnt know that. I suspected it. But I didnt know. So then I asked about getting pregnant. He told me that before he would help me get pregnant, he wanted me to lose 100 pounds! A hundred f***in pounds. Its bad enough that I have Binge-Eating disorder (which he never addressed) he wanted me to do it by myself. No help. I was slipping further and further into depression. I was getting real close to cutting again. I dint want to because I made a promise to my hubby not to ever do that again. I try to keep my promises to the best of my ability. Now though I dont have insurance, I am crying every time I see a baby or a commercial with a baby. I am soooooo emotional and moody, sometimes I wonder if my husband will leave me. He has re-assured me multiple times but I still have doubts. Its not possible for children right now. I know this, but my heart aches for a child. I don't think my husband quite understands how I feel. He has children already. So sometimes I think, it doesn't really matter if we have children because he already has some and knows what its like to be a dad. If this doesnt work out. I will never know what tis like to be a Mama. He obsesses about a certain type of vehicle. I obsess about a child and a house. I know it cant happen right now. I try not to complain or bring it up a lot. But does he have the courtesy to stop talking about that vehicle? no. And then he gets mad at me because I am not interested in the vehicle. Well......yeah. I hope that when we move, we will be able to find jobs pretty quick and then get health insurance. Then maybe a doctor will take me seriously. It seems that because I haven't had insurance that I haven't gotten the medical attention that I deserve. Maybe within a couple years I will have the baby that I so long for.
Alright if you have made it to the end of this blog. Congratulations!!!!!! You win..........aw who am I kidding you dont win anything but I bet you passed some time huh?
I dont know how often I will be on here, but I can bet you that most of them will be this long. Sooooooo, I guess I better go now, I actually have a counselors appointment today.