And the last time!

This is the last time for a long time. I finished the clomid on sunday. So there we go. In a week or so we become rabbits, lol. Then I take another more pg tests and find out. Hopefully it happens, although I still haven't stopped bleeding completely from the progesterone I took. So yeah, I can't wait to take test and it finally be a real positive.

Not The Safest Route

Not the safest route to take these meds, lol. Without doctor supervision, but he didnt really observe me the first time I took them so I guess its pretty much the same. I was thinking a while back, my insurance is gone and so Im not having the weight loss surgery for a while, why not go a head and use the rest of my pregesterone and clomid? Im just tired of not having a child of my own. Since I have been diagnosed, I have seen my step children have kids, and get pregnant. Why the hell can't I? Im starting to get depressed again. I don't like it. So anyway this is my last chance until I graduate and get some good insurance again. Yesterday was the first day of the clomid so wish me luck!

Ups and Downs

Seems that my life is full of severe ups and downs. So since starting nursing school I have had to quit my job that I loved so much because they wouldnt work with my schedule for school. I wasnt gonna give up my schooling for a job. We are in so much debt right now our bills are at least a month behind if not more. We are arguing because with as rigid and difficult as this nursing program is there's no way I can work and pass. Even though Im trying to find a job to only work a few hours a week for a little bit of extra money. So because I lost my job along with all my benefits. Bye bye lap band surgery! Ugh! Dammit, it seems like im never gonna catch a break! But anyway I have more homework to do I just thought it was about time I update. Well till next time.

Wowness

Okay I just so made up that word. I had a lot of things happen today. I had been toying with the idea of L@p B@nd for a while now. I finally called a surgeon to get the whole process going. I gave them all my info and my insurance and everything. They will call back on Tuesday to let me know what my insurance requires before hand. My insurance is great because all I will have to pay out of pocket is $100-300, as far as I know. Which is freakin great. The only down side is that I have to travel about 4 hours away to have the surgery done. I guess I better start saving some more money huh? I also had a orthodontic consultation today. I need braces. Ha big surprise. It doesn't bother me though. I'm not upset about it. As long as it helps my teeth and it good for me then I want them. Anyhoo, I got my transcript in the mail from my high school. I need my college transcript now. Then all I need for my appilcation is to finish my classes and get the background check done.

On another subject, H and I have been having some problems with him having a problem with me studying all the time. I told him before I started back to school that I was gonna be studying a lot. I guess he didn't believe me or something because we argue a lot now. I go to school at 9 and get out at 1200. I usually study from the time I get out until 3. I come home, I get on the computer and study for my online class. I then get supper ready and then I study some more. I hardly ever study with anyone else when H is home. I watch a little bit of T.V. and then study some more then go to bed. On the days I work I study as much as I can at work. My friend T is the biggest drama queen you will ever meet. I have class with him and he is single with no commitments and wants to study 24/7. I just can't do that. I do study a lot though. I am making a good grade in my classes too. So I think I am doing good. But I just wish H wouldn't be so "old fashion" I guess is what I can use? I don't know. He just gets so frustrated and upset sometimes over nothing and I don't know what to tell him. If I tell him the truth he gets mad, if I tell him a lie he gets mad when he finds out I lied.

We have to put off the clomid until a year after I have the surgery. That sucks, but I guess its better in the long run for me and the baby. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long. That means that I will be 22 or 23 before I have a baby. Wow that seems like so far away.

Anyway I guess I 'm done relieving myself of all this information now.

Well when it rains it f***in pours

Okay so not ony did I found out that my round of clomid didn't work, I also found out that one of my co-workers is pregnant. Yay! NOT! That is all she is talking about too. I can't even stand to look at her. It was her little "accident"! I am so pissed that I cried! I cried at work and I cried when I got home and told H about it. I am okay now but it still hurts. I didn't like her in the beginning because she is completely incompetent and is not a good nurse and is the most annoying person I think I have ever met. I was being nice to her and I still should be but it is so hard not to have hard feelings toward her. Its like she just keeps rubbing in my face. I have no clue how far along she is but I really don't care. I am just ranting and raving. I will get over it I guess, eventually. I just don't know how to feel about it. But anyway I will stop and get back to work now. Till I post again!

Damn those OPK's

I called again this morning, the nurse was gone for the day already at 10:30. So i left a message and the doctor called me back. Of course I missed it so he left a message. Apparently the damn OPK's were wrong. I didn't ovulate. So we all know what that means. Im not pregnant. So all of the money I spent on HPT's these last two weeks was a waste. I'm really sad and disappointed. So I guess that just means another round, he wants to go up to 100 mg of Clomid. I guess I'm gonna say okay. So now I have to come up with the money to get those, he's gonna call them in. I have to call him back to confirm but yeah. So another month another round. I think i'm gonna go cry now.

Damn It

Okay so my test results are back. Do I know the results? Why hell no! I called this morning aroun 11:30 am. The nurse (I love my doctor but his nurse could use some compasion) told me that the doctor was looking over the results deciding what to do and then she would call me back. Well as you can tell, it is now 3:15 and still no phone call. I am really gettin anxious. I am trying so hard to save that last test. Its a CBE digital. I really want to test. I actually feel the same today that I did yesterday. A little more tired and nauseous. I have a few food aversions, cheetos. I can't even stand to type the name. It makes me want to gag. The smell and even the look of them. If they don't call me before 4:30. Im gonna call them back again. I am trying to be patient, but my nurse I guess just doesn't understand what those results can do to my life. They can change it completely!!!!! I am driving myself crazy. I can't concentrate on my work or my homework. Damn it!

11 Days

Okay I am now 11 DPO. I am going freakin nuts! I have been feeling like sh*t. I am extremely tired, I am nauseous, I am starving, I am bloated, I feel twinges and "pulling" in my pelvic area. I am moody and a couple days ago I had a sore throat, however it wasnt like a usual sore throat, it was like the lymph nodes were swollen. I just can't stay awake. I was trying to study last night and I was nodding off around 1130, 1200 at night. That is so unusual for me. I am usually willing to stay up forever. Then I woke up this morning to study and I was still so tired that I went back to sleep and then I was almost late for school. I just dont know. I am a testing freak and I have taken 4 HPT's now. Of course they were all negative. I have one more but I'm gonna try to save it for as long as I can. I had my blood drawn monday afternoon. I am dying for the results. I want to know if all the stuff I'm experiencing is psychological or actual pregnancy symptoms. I know that the first cycle usually doesnt work. But I am hoping and hoping and praying and praying. The doctor said that the results would prolly be here later today or tomorrow. I am trying to study for class but its hard to concentrate. I am exhauseted and I can't study because I am worried about the results. Uggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I just had to get that out of my system. I will post the results of my lab work if I get it back today.

Okay Confusing

Alrighty then, I am now 2 DPO. I was taking the OPK's and I didn't even realize it but the stick was the darkest on the 6th. So yeah, I am wondering if anyone knows how soon you can experience symptoms. I really feel just weird and I'm not sure if it is sleep deprivation or if I'm getting sick. I really hope it cuz Im PG though. I will go in on the 15th like I said to get my blood drawn. So yeah I got off work at 8am and then went to school and now I'm tired so I will blog later if I can.

Trying to keep up

So yeah I can't post when H is at home because he doesnt know about the blog. I am sleeping most all the time on the weekends when I'm not working nights. During the day on the weekdays I am going to school and studying. Busy Busy Busy. That's all I am anymore. But yeah I am not liking that Progesterone and the Clomid, they made me gain 5-8 pounds. That sucks. But ya know if it ends end motherhood then I will never complain ever again. I am taking the OPK's but I haven't seen anything yet. I believe that I am on CD 13 or 14. I was told that that is when I am supposed to ovulate. So I am hoping for some good testing to be positive. I think I will even take a PG test before I go in to the doctor on the 15th. That will be my CD 21 or 22. Thats when he wanted me to go test. I am excited but trying not to get my hopes up too high. I dont want to be crushed again. I know its inevitable with IF but still. I think I will even buy another PG test. I have been feeling something going on down there in my abdominalpelvic area (had to be a smartass and use my A&P terms). It almost feels like movement and I know its not gas. It feels nothing like gas. But yeah I just thought since I had a minute at work that I would update real quick. I hope I ovulate. Fingers and toes crossed!

Alrighty Then

Okay so H is doing fine now. He has had a little bit of pain but not a whole lot. He has been off work and is itchin to get back. So I finally started bleeding. YAY! That means that I get to start the clomid today actually. I had some light spotting about 2 days ago and a little heavier yesterday and today. But the doc said any bleeding is considered a period. I am sooooooo excited. I kinda hope I have the mood swings I've been told about. I don't know. So yeah my doggie is preggo. She is about 3 weeks now. In the next couple of weeks I should be able to feel the puppies move. I have to admit, I am a little jealous of her. =/

Whew!

Okay so everything worked out pretty good. We got the loan for our bills, finally! And yeah, H is having surgery today for his sinuses. I'm a little worried. But I will be okay and so will he. He is having the lining of his ethmoid and spheniod and maxillary sinuses removed, the ethmoids are being made into one big sinus and he is having his deviated septum straightened. Also, last night we went to a bar-b-q and by accident I got trashed. I was drinking it slow but it hit me and then I had 3 shots of vodka......whoooooo yeah i was felling pretty good. I am actually still feeling it right now this morning. So yeah. Im still a little toasted. Anyway we have to go to the store before his surgery and get him some pj bottoms cuz believe it or not he doesnt own any. Yeah so I better get off here and sober up cuz I have to drive him. We have to be there at 11am and his surgery is at 1pm. so yeah I will update on how he is doing. I guess thats enough for now.

Soooooo Screwed.......... And Not In A Good Way

Okay yeah I was very bad this week about dividing our money amongst our bills and now I have been running ragged trying to find a place to give us a loan. We still have 3 more bills to pay and his down payment for his surgery that he's having on Friday. Wow, I was just an idiot this week. I'm so mad at myself. I am very moody latley and I have been off the progesterone and havent started the clomid yet. I'm not supposed to start them until AF shows up. And she hasnt shown up. Anyway, I am jsut stressing out. When H was with his ex-wife they apparently burned every single loan place in this city. Its frustrating. I can't get a signature loan cuz I haven't been on my job for 6 months. I can't get another kind because my credit is awful. So yeah I really don't know what to do. My best friend can't help us like she could because she was forced to resign from her job so she is jobless right now. I have nowhere to turn. I have 2 more places to try and if they say no then we are completely screwed! Ugh......I guess things can't go good for a long period of time. :( Damn!!!!!

Dang

I had no clue what to use as the title. Anyway, I tortured myself and bought some baby stuff the other day. I bought a cute yellow baby blanket and a frame for the sonogram and a pregnancy journal. I don't know that I should do that, but it helps my "cravings". I finished the progesterone on friday and still haven't began bleeding. I am wondering if I should call the doctor and talk to the doctor instead of the nurse who was so rude the last time. But anyway, Im at work so I guess I better get back to work. LOL I might write later on if I have time.

Rude Office Assitants

Okay so yeah I have a wonderful doctor, but his office assitants could use a lesson in manners. I calles yesterday to ask about my progesterone and when I should start bleeding. Well, she was really rude and told me that I could or could not bleed up to 2 weeks after I stop taking the progesterone. So yeah I guess that put me at ease a little, but then I was so anxious to bleed so I could takt the clomid. But oh well.....Ive waited this long I guess I can wait a little longer. Im trying not to get toooo excited because I dont want to be too upset and depressed if this doesnt work. But anyway, I guess I am gonna go back to sleep. I am getting a little sleepy now. Later.

Fertility Meds

Okay so I am really excited because without any questions or lectures my gyno gave me a rx for progesterone and clomid. FINALLY!!!!! After all these years I am on the right track to finally become a mommy! I have never been so excited to start a period in my life. LOL! I am getting a little worried. I have been on the progesterone for 4 days and the doc said I should bleed about day 3. I am confused. I havent started bleeding yet. I know I might be freakin out over nothing. And yeah, so I am just really excited. H and I are doing much better. We celebrated our 3 year anniversary a couple days ago. I can't believe its only been 3 years. So yeah, if anyone does read my blog can ya'll tell me if this is normal with progesterone, cuz I really dont know. Thanks.

Looking Up

Well I finally got a really great job. I am a nurse aid at a veteran's hospital. It is freakin awesome. I love this job. The pay and benefits are awesome. So I have an appointment with a great gynecologist in a week. I also have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in August. He is the only one in the are for a good ways. So I am hoping.....I have lost some weight. At my heaviest I was 315 lbs. Now I am 278lbs. But thats not enough for some doctors. Hopefully I can get on the right dosage and kind of medicine that I need to get this PCOS under control. I dont have the baby fever as bad as I used to. I guess I am getting better at this. I hope im not getting to used to it. I am going back to school this summer. Hopefully, if everything goes right I will be graduating as an LVN in Dec of 2010. I am taking Nutrition this summer and Human A&P in the fall. then I will hopefully get accepted into the program in Spring of next year. I am sooooooo excited. I cant wait to finally be a nurse and hopefully a mommy too.

Oh and to address the last post. I talked to him for a while but nothing ever came of it. He disappeared into thin air and I havent talked to him since then. DH and I have been through some rough times and we are getting through them. We are seeing a counselor and there have not been any fist fights in 2 months now. We are doing much better. He is working on his issues and is on zoloft. I am working on my issues and trying to be a better wife and he is trying to be a better husband. Every marriage has rough spots. We are planning on renewing our vows in a couple years after we have been together for 5 years. We are going all out with an entire ceremony. I am going to have a dress we are going to have nice rings and everything. I am very excited.

WOW!!!

Well I know its been a long time since I posted. I haven't really had time. I think that I might be getting a divorce though. Its just become too difficult to get along with him. He has become so difficult to please and satisfy lately. Arguements daily and a couple times.....fist fights. I'm not happy anymore. I have begun to talking a guy I met at my old job and if I'm not careful, something is gonna start and I'm not sure if I want to stop it. I have become so confused. I don't know up from down right now. The only thing that is going good right now is my job. But yeah that's all I'm gonna write for now. Write later hopefully.