Happy New Year Everyone!!!!

Friday night H and I went to wrestling in BigCity, about 40 miles away from where we live. It was awesome. We were 16 rows away from the ring. I really enjoyed it. Lost my voice from screaming but it was so much fun! H was really excited. But since then, of course, H and I have had an arguement. I have come to realize a couple things that I need to work on.

1) going to sleep and waking up at the same time EVERY day.
2) stop popping H's pimples
3) let H initiate the love making
4) clean more
5) stop my sarcasm
6) lose weight

I guess you could call this my New Year's Resolution List. I have to find a way to make some money. We are going to be very strapped for cash when leaving for NewOldCity. I have got a couple more boxes packed. So yeah, I guess that all I really have for now. Nothing really new in the realm of infertility. Same Ol' Same Ol'!

Days until move: 26

Christmas, Rants & Raves!

For Christmas, we stayed the night with my mom. I wanted to see my niece open her presents since I probably wont get to next year, unless my mom brings her out for Christmas. But anyway, H and I were talking the other night and I (secretly) have a "thing" for poping H's pimples. I think that might just be a woman thing, because my mom does it and so did my grandma and so I guess I think its okay. But apparently H hates it. Literally. I did one the other day and he got all bent out of shape. He called me a liar. I just kinda stood there, dumbfounded. Then he starts goin off on what he doesnt like about me. I guess it was not being with his kids on Christmas. But he didnt say anything about it at all and instead went off on me. He said that sometimes I embarass him in public. OMG, my heart sank. I couldnt believe he kept that from me. I couldnt contain it, with my hormones the way they are, I started crying. Then he kinda snapped out of his mood and calmed down a little. But that was crazy. I really couldnt believe any of that had happend, but it did. So yeah my niece had a blast with her presents and I loved mine! I got a slow cooker! YAY! Now I can buy stuff to cook in that! I got H a ms.pac-man game and then we got a sudoku game from my mom, and my niece got us a lollipop! But yeah, we cooked all day yesterday. I spent 2 hours puttin together my niece's dolly day care. Man I hope she knows how much I love her. It sucked that we werent pregnant, but there's alway next year. I am hopeful. So I guess thats it, for now, I am going to watch some T.V. Maybe pack some more stuff. Just relax from yesterday.

Fun Trip to the Hospital!

Great! I had to call my brother to take me to the hospital today! H called and said that he was gonna be late so I had to go to the hospital! What fun! He had his friend that I DO NOT get along with, with him! So yeah, I got there and got registered and everything. I was waiting in the room and the lady asking for insurance and confirming all of my information when the doctor came in and looked at my throat, felt my glands and said alright we'll get you some antibiodics and then left. About an hour later they came and gave me my perscription and discharge papers and then that was it. Then my brother called and asked if I still needed him to come and pick me up. Well duh! So he came and picked me up and I was gonna by him some lunch but he was in such a rush to get rid of me that I just thought "forget it". I went home and did nothing. I was diagnosed with pharyngitis or strep-throat. They prescribed me Amoxicillin to get rid of it. Damn, I hope I can get sorta cleared up before Christmas. I really feel like crap! So yeah, if there is anyone that reads my blog, I just wanted to let ya'll know that I went to the hospital but I have medicine now so hopefully I can get to feelin better pretty quick. I hate being sick!!!! UGH!!!!!

Midnight Talks

H and I had a long talk last night. It was like 2:00AM and I knew that he needed to go to sleep b/c he needed to get up and go to work, but I just couldn't stop talking. I told him how I felt about infertility and this whole ordeal. He tried to be consoling but it didn't really work. He kept telling me that even if we couldn't conceive there was always adoption. But I told him that I would never experience pregnancy. You'll never believe what he said. He said that we could get this pregnancy suit that would grow over 9 months. I couldn't believe that he said that. I was appalled and slightly disgusted with him. But at least he knew he was saying the wrong thing because he also said, this probably isn't helping you is it? Then he brought up something that we haven't talked about ever. The chemical pregnancy. I told him that I wanted to be selfish because we wouldn't be first time parents together. He said that he could understand that. Then I asked if he would love this (future) baby as much as his six other kids. He said yes I will, you remember when you tested positive, how happy we were? I started bawling. That was the first time we "talked" about it. I was so happy when I tested positive. I couldn't contain my happiness. I couldn't stop smiling. Then when I went to the doctor and they said it was negative, I think that was one of the saddest times of my life. The first of course was when my grandpa died. But I couldn't even describe the feeling that I felt when it was negative. It was devastating. But I am glad that we talked last night. No matter how much I cried. I have been crocheting a wrap for myself. But when I was working on it at school, people came and asked me if it was a baby blanket. Of course that made me feel like crap. I don't even want to work on it any more. But I hate starting something and not finishing it. So I guess I will finish it and stop complaining. So yeah, I guess that's all I have for now.

Arguements

I will never be able to understand how two people who loved each other so much, can say such hurtful things to each other. I try to refrain myself from saying the things that I know will hurt H when we are arguing. But H on the other hand, doesnt. He says them and then, of course, he regrets saying it. But really and truely you can't take it back once it is said. You can be sorry for it and regret it but you cant really take it back. We had an arguement, if you couldnt tell already, and he asked me if I was a teachers pet. I busted out crying, sobbing like.

On the other hand, I found out that another friend of mine from a while back, is pregnant. OMG! UGH!!!!! I dont know how much longer I can take this crap! Just because I know its not possible right now doesnt mean that I dont still long for it! I a am very devoted blog reader of people who have been or are going through infertility. Even they are getting pregnant now! Gah! It seems like I cant catch a break.

I started crocheting a wrap, for me, it supposed to be the colors of a PCOS ribbon that I found but it just looks like a baby blanket. I have had so many people ask me if I was crocheting a baby blanket. Whoa! Low blow! So I guess I am gonna try and turn it into a blanket. I guess for my future baby or my niece. Its light pink, light blue and light purple. I dont know. Its really long and the last blanket I gave to my niece, my mom turned it into a dog blanket, which hurt and pissed me off. So I am going to hold off on giving my niece another blanket until she's older. When I am babysitting either my niece or the other kids that I babysit. I am not thinking about no being able to get pregnant. Honestly sometimes I pretend they are mine. Yeah but that doesnt last for very long, before I am kicked back into reality.

So yeah till next time.

Days until move: 40

DH Finally Understands!!!!

I do believe that my DH (darling husband) finally understands how I feel about this whole infertility thing. There is a song that had just came out pretty recently called "I Would Die For That" by Kellie Coffey. Its about infertility and how a woman feels about it. I made him watch the music video, (which can be found on YouTube if you just type in Kellie Coffey), yesterday and I saw him crying. Of course not like sobbing like I was. But he had some tears fallin down his cheeks. I know its weird but that kinda made me feel a little better. He didnt say anything. But I think he understands more than he did before.

On a different note, I am up way earlier than I wanted to be. Really weird though, I went to bed about 9pm last night. My DH went to work this morning and couldnt have made more rucus than he did. I got up to get the pie in the carrying case for him and then I just couldnt go back to sleep so, yeah, here I am. And of course, like every morning, I am extremely nauseous this morning. I am hungry as crap but I cant even look at food.

Oh yeah and we are getting our car fixed tonight/tomorrow! YAY! We are getting the back shocks put on it so that we can carry a trailer to NewCity when we move! YAY!

Days until move: 44

Disgusted With Myself

Well, I finally weighed myself today. I am completely disgusted with myself now. I am officially the heaviest I have ever been! That isnt supposed to happen unless your pregnant. Which I am not. Also I am so depressed, that as I am typing this I am stuffing my face with chocolate kisses. Yeah, and I dont even like chocolate! Thats a real problem solver. All of those doctors who tell you to eat right and exercise, can kiss my ass. For the past 4 or 5 months I have been working out at school every week. I have been eating "right" (the best you can on a tight,low income) and guess what? I have gained 15 F***IN pounds. I know to some that might not seem like a whole lot. But I am a very big girl to begin with. But anyway, I have been waking up nauseous for the past, I guess, 6 months. Today it was really bad! I mean really. I woke up when H got ready to go to work and I was just awful sick. I had to ask him to go to the store before he went to work to get a Sprite for me. I got up and took a very hot shower. Drank to sips of soda and went back to sleep. I slept almost until 2:00 in the afternoon. Yesterday H and I went to the mall (after a big huge argument), and I did a little bit of Christmas shopping. I am almost finished and I havent even spent a whole lot of money. I am so proud of myself.

Its getting closer to moving time. I am so excited. And a little sad. I am going to miss my niece like crazy and I am also going to miss my newest friend. We really take more than work. Thank heaven for cell phones and internet.

And again, I still dont think that H understand what exactly I am going through with this whole infertility thing. Yeah I know we dont have insurance and the income to try or even have a baby right now but I wanted it to be like "normal" couples. Ya know, married for about a year then *gasps* Honey, I'm pregnant. Feelings of fear and happiness and joy and ya know. But no that will not happen with me. I wanted an unplanned pregnancy. I mean come on dammit I am married. Its not like I was trying to get pregnant before we got married. He is the ONLY man I have ever been with. But I might be repeating myself, but I still think that because he has kids already, he doesnt fully understand how I feel. I might never be called "mommy" or "mama". I will try everything to have a baby. But it just wont have the same feeling as if it was spontaneous. We have talked about adoption but, believe it or not. I was researching it and there is a freakin income bracket that you have to fall in before they will consider you. We will never reach that. He works as maintenance and I will be a CNA until I get my LVN license. We wont have very much money. But anyway I guess I have done enought bitching for one day. I still havent found a job so unless I do I might be on here more frequently.

Days until move: 47

Final Exams & Misc.

Well, this is the last day of classes and I can not wait! We have finals next week. I am not freakin out though. Honestly I really dont care. I did my work during the semester and I just dont care. I hope I get a good grade. I know the material. But if I dont I dont. I think I might have insomnia. I was not anywhere near sleepy last night. I didnt go to sleep until probably about 3:30Am. Yeah, then I had to wake up @ 6:00 to get H to work and come to class. This Saturday we are going to the mall and to a salvage store. Just to get out of the house and do something. We probably wont buy anything but its nice just to get out and walk around places. I still keep torturing myself with baby stuff. Although I kinda try to keep it to myself now. I know that H gets tired of me takling about something I cant have right now. But I get tired of hearing him talk about a truck all the damn time. We can be talking about a show on T.V. The conversation ALWAYS ends with us talking about a truck. I understand that he wants one but damn why cant he be thankful for what we do have. A running car that gets us from point A to point B! Soon after we move and get jobs he will have his damn truck. But will I have my baby? NO. It will probably take about a year before we can even start trying. I have to find a good job with benefits because I can't be on his insurance. It will cost too much. UGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Then ofcourse theres no guarantee that it will happen right off the bat. So lets add this up here. about a year before we can start trying after we move. thats January 2009, then 3 or 4 months before we actually get pg, thats April or May 2009, then 9 months of pregnanct thats January or Febuary of 2010! Gosh DAMMIT! Where as he will have his got damn truck within a month or two after we move! He aint gettin any younger ya know. The more this goes on, the more I think he doesnt want anymore kids. I mean after 3 wives and 6 kids would you? I love my step kids I do, but I just feel like if he hadnt had any kids before ours (if we do) then they wont get all of their fathers love because they will have to share him with 6 other half-brothers and sisters. I dont even get all of him. Because no matter how much he denies it. He's always going to have his ex-wives in his heart. He loved them at one time.....enough to marry them. So that is always going to be with him. I loved before yeah, but not enough to marry them. This will be the only marriage I have. I swear to it. If this one goes south, so be it but I am not getting married again. But yeah, I guess I better get off of here and go to class. I only get the chance to write on here when I am at school or at home by myself (which isnt very often). So IDK when the next time I will write but I will.

Husbands

You know, I will never understand how someone you love so much can be such a jerk sometimes. It seems like I am always saying the wrong thing and I am always pissin him off. He will tell me to. I make him mad because of the stuff I say. I am not going to stop speaking my mind. If I have an idea or opinion, dammit I am going to voice it. I have been crying for the past 15 minutes. I just feel like I am no good at anything. I am not going to graduate college on time. I feel like I am not a good wife (mostly because all the fights we have are "my" fault). We dont have a lot of room where we live and so it looks dirty all the time but its really just very cluttered. I dont think he really understands this whole infertility thing. I feel like it hurts me more than him, simply because he has kids already, half a dozen to be exact. If for some reason I can't concieve then I will never have any children of my own! NEVER! That really hurts me! I have always wanted to be a mother, nurse and wife. ALWAYS. Even when I was younger....like 12. I had my kids names picked out and even my wedding (mostly) planned out @ 13. But anyhoo, I guess I am just being too emotional. I was actually supposed to go with him this morning. I kinda had a headache and said I would like to stay here. Well, that started it. He got upset, so I changed my mind. I started getting dressed and he told me that he didnt want me to go. Then he had to stop at the store. He called me and then when we hung up, he didnt tell me he loved me. Ever since we've been together, he has always told me he loved me when we hung up the phone. ALWAYS. This makes me wonder if he losing interest or falling out of love with me. That really sent a dagger through my heart. He said bye and then I said I love you but click. He already hung up. Today is already gone to hell. Plus he's out of nicotine and we dont have a lot of money. So he's even more grumpy than usual. I dont think he realizes how much I love him. But yeah, I guess I will stop crying now and clean up my face, take some asprin, and crochet some. There's nothin else to do. So yeah, till next time.

Stuffness

Its December! Yay! I wish it snowed were we live. It only ices real bad. I have been having some pains in my lower abdomen and thanks to the wonderful invention called the internet, I have put some things in my head that shouldnt be there. Like I could have a Fibroid Tumor or even what is called a "missed misscarriage". Idk, though. I am confused. The doctors that I have been seeing are being real jerks. They told me (after I explained everything) that I should just take some asprin and if it gets any worse to go to the ER. Well, I felt so bad yesterday when me and my husband got home, I went to sleep. I didnt wake up until noon today. I slept for 16 hours! So, I guess if it does get any worse I will go to the hospital. I have been so bored lately. I have things to do. But I am just not interested in anything. I have a wrap that I am crocheting with the colors of the PCOS awareness ribbon. I also have some packing and cleaning out to do. But I just cant motivate myself to get up and do anything. I think I am probably depressed. Man this is crazy, I am watching To Catch A Predator and this guy is crying, begigng for them to let him go, he will never do it again. Damn, he shouldnt have done it in the first place. Anyway I guess I am going to get off here and fix supper. Were having chicken and dumplings....we were gonna have chicken chile but I changed my mind. Laterz.