Husbands

You know, I will never understand how someone you love so much can be such a jerk sometimes. It seems like I am always saying the wrong thing and I am always pissin him off. He will tell me to. I make him mad because of the stuff I say. I am not going to stop speaking my mind. If I have an idea or opinion, dammit I am going to voice it. I have been crying for the past 15 minutes. I just feel like I am no good at anything. I am not going to graduate college on time. I feel like I am not a good wife (mostly because all the fights we have are "my" fault). We dont have a lot of room where we live and so it looks dirty all the time but its really just very cluttered. I dont think he really understands this whole infertility thing. I feel like it hurts me more than him, simply because he has kids already, half a dozen to be exact. If for some reason I can't concieve then I will never have any children of my own! NEVER! That really hurts me! I have always wanted to be a mother, nurse and wife. ALWAYS. Even when I was younger....like 12. I had my kids names picked out and even my wedding (mostly) planned out @ 13. But anyhoo, I guess I am just being too emotional. I was actually supposed to go with him this morning. I kinda had a headache and said I would like to stay here. Well, that started it. He got upset, so I changed my mind. I started getting dressed and he told me that he didnt want me to go. Then he had to stop at the store. He called me and then when we hung up, he didnt tell me he loved me. Ever since we've been together, he has always told me he loved me when we hung up the phone. ALWAYS. This makes me wonder if he losing interest or falling out of love with me. That really sent a dagger through my heart. He said bye and then I said I love you but click. He already hung up. Today is already gone to hell. Plus he's out of nicotine and we dont have a lot of money. So he's even more grumpy than usual. I dont think he realizes how much I love him. But yeah, I guess I will stop crying now and clean up my face, take some asprin, and crochet some. There's nothin else to do. So yeah, till next time.